December 21, 2008
Dateline: Boston, Mass.
BPI: In a packed press conference held in Faneuil Hall, Boston, Massachusetts, Santa Claus today asked for help from the US $700 billion bailout package. Santa said that without some assistance this year, he would have to cut back on Christmas and may have to shutter the operations center at the North Pole. Santa has estimated that he will need in the vicinity of $39 billion in order to complete his deliveries “on time and on budget” this year.
Santa was in Boston over the weekend to meet with Massachusetts’s officials about his application for life science funding when accountants from the Canadian firm of D’Argent , Tout and LeMonde (DT&L) gave him the bad news. “Bad investments in the off season coupled with high energy costs have really hit us hard,” Santa explained. “Cold weather costs us greatly each year, but since global warming hit, the sump pumps to keep things dry with all the icebergs thawing is costing an arm and a leg.”
He added, “ Transportation is a killer and has been worse since the reindeer unionized. You’d think that one night a year isn’t bad working conditions, but we now have to pay for degree days and well, they are working on a holiday.” Santa went on to say that negotiations have been difficult this year as the coursers are looking for danger pay. “It was the darndest thing last year. We were flying over little villages in Alaska when some woman in a helicopter started shooting at us! Now they are nervous and we can’t have Dasher up there with a nervous stomach. We have to keep stopping and scooping.”
Santa said the economy has hit him in several ways. “No one keeps anything in inventory anymore, and we pay a premium just to keep to schedule. That has cost us more. We try to buy year round in anticipation, but storage costs increases our carrying costs and banks don’t like to see inventory sitting there.”
Santa’s spokesman, Herbie T. Elf pointed to a couple of investments gone badly this year. “Santa’s house has been in the family forever, and Mrs. Claus really likes it, but has been getting a little tired with all the wind and bluster up here. You think the Cape is tough on a paint job, come on up to the Pole. But this was a lousy year to get a new mortgage on the old house. Last year was good, but there is little demand this year and the banker said we could flip it for a nicer place in the magnetic north pole before our subprime rates kicked into a conventional mortgage, but we didn’t know that they demanded insurance because we are in a flood plain. That was a real killer.”
At this point, Santa interjected, “How was I supposed to know the pole sits on the Artic Ocean? I’m just a toy maker for God’s sake!”
Mr. Elf continued, “ The mortgage company was nice but very firm on our paying back the loan and we need relief. We counter offered, but the Tickle Me Elmos are not worth what they used to be.”
As for other investment problems, because of pending lawsuits, all Herbie Elf would say was, “ I can’t say anything but this, I believe that Mr. Madoff has been relocated to the “naughty” list, if you know what I mean.”
Mr. Claus was asked about his meetings in Boston with Gov. Patrick and the life science people. He said that meetings were cordial and the governor encouraged him to think about relocating to Boston. When asked why he was looking for life science money, all Santa would say was, “Where do you think we get all these identical elves?”
Mr. Claus said that the amount was firm, but how payments are made are open for negotiations. Payments could be divided between dba’s such as Father Christmas, Sinter Klaus, Kris Kringle, or Santa Claus. Santa did however point out that he would prefer to receive payments in the name of St. Nick as that preserved his religious tax-free status. “It just adds to the mounting cost if I have to pay taxes.” he shrugged.
An accountant from Mr. Claus’ firm, Joshua Heifitz pointed out that the cost could be worse. “Fortunately, we are in a down year “nice” list-wise. People like Gov. Rod Blagojevich, Mr. Madoff, investment accountants, and even a few from this state have driven down demand and we feel that we are comfortable with the aforementioned amount.”
Mr. Heifitz concluded the press conference by asking what people would do if Santa had to close shop. “If Santa closes, what’s left? Burger King meat scented perfume? So who’s happy with that shmutz? Someone’s got to help the good people. Besides, Santa Claus is too big for us to let fail!”
When asked, the White House refused comment. Senator Redd Stanton of Mississippi suggested that the timing of the request was suspicious. “Here we are a few days before Christmas and Mister Claus comes around with his hand out. I just think the timing is suspicious. What we really ought to be talking about is whether he needs some documentation before flying all over the country illegally. There’s something wrong with that." Senator Chris Dodd of Connecticut was far more open to looking at this request. “While I am concerned and disappointed that Mr. Claus flew down here in his personal sleigh rather than take a domestic animal, I have always said we need to keep the Ho Ho Ho in Christmas”, Dodd was quoted as saying.
Big Press International
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